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Next, I called my mom. My clothes were loose. I was chronically tired and I looked it. But it's not always that easy to tell. Scars spanned my nipple-less chest and my skin from radiation. If spending time with your partner feels like it drains everything out of you, you might be in a toxic relationship. It was all a blur, with one thought rising to the surface. In support groups and on breast cancer retreats, I struggled to contribute to conversations with the other attendees on how cancer affects marriage or what it was like to parent through chemo.

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While my friends were worrying about dating, I was seeing a fertility specialist to see if there were any freezable eggs left unscathed by chemo. They wanted to show up for me, but also to make it fun. Doctors stopped gaslighting me and started being incredibly, brutally honest. I realized I would be alone with this, even when surrounded by people. Usually, when Gwyneth Paltrow says something wildly inaccurate about health or wellness on goop, a chorus of "actually's" reverberates throughout the. I learned the value of my voice and the importance of being an advocate for myself. I thought this would be some Post-Cancer Celebration, but it was another frightening limbo, going from having every detail of my life planned around seeing the same receptionists and doctors day after day, to flying solo, again.

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They wanted to show up for me, but also to make it fun. I get about a call a week either from a young adult with a new diagnosis or a friend of a friend who found something in their boob and doesn't know what to do about it. But then I found my power in the very same place. It felt huge, hard, and it hurt when I moved it. I thought this would be some Post-Cancer Celebration, but it was another frightening limbo, going from having every detail of my life planned around seeing the same receptionists and doctors day after day, to flying solo, again. In regard to the men, Golden berries are like raisins and dried cranberries' hip younger sister.

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